Who am I?

"Who am I? 
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I? 
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart."

This is the start of casting crowns song "WHO AM I" Lately I have been thinking about that question because right now I don't know the answer. I have been moving, so fast in life that I have lost my self and I don't know how I am at all in life. I think the best way is not to go any were at all after school except for home and really think on who I truly am. This is going to be hard for me because i don't like not doing anything, but at the same time I don't know how I should be. Like the picture above, it seems to me that I don't have a identity. All that I see myself is what people want me to do, and do what they want me to do.  I feel lost inside myself and in a world that moves, so fast the next thing that will happen I don't know how to respond or I will be to far in life that I will regret on things that I will do.

Well I am sick of how people are trying to form me and trying to avoid this I have done the opposite and become thing they wanted me to be. I still have the same goals in life, but thats about it. Right now I can't think straight on everyday things and things that I should be doing in my life right now. I wish that I could go far away from everything and let me be myself and let me find who I would like to be. So for now if their is anything new in life this is probably the ay that you will here it at. 

The Same Emotions

          "How do you feel?" is a question that everyone ask. For some people a answer is given like "O.K." or "I'm alright", but other times it can all be told by their face expressions. The last one is the way that many people tell people how they fell and it can also tell people if you are in the mood to talk to people or not.

          For me people really have to ask me "How do you feel?" because for me i don't really show emotions  through face expression because of what has happen in the past. Another reason is, so that I don't have to talk about what is going on and sometimes I really don't want to talk to people. The last reason is that I have to be strong, so that I can't show what I am really feel (at least for now).

          This is a life that many people don't live, but it is away to hide the past and pain that I am dealing with. Most of the time people like sharing about what is going on, but I don't like to because it makes me feel like people are feeling sorry for me. That is not the life that I want to live. I don't what to have a life like my parents on making people feel crappy and sorry for them. Also I don't want to buy things to make me feel better or have someone in my life to keep me in a bubble. I would rather live alone then have a life like that.

Sands of Time.

When you see this what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it time in mean how long a hour has gone by or is it time in 60 sec. for until your turn is over in a game. Well if it is one of those or not for me it means life to me and how much life we have left on this Planet. I think that god fills our glass with sand and each grain of sand means how many days we have left. Being able to see your hourglass would you change the ways that you would live or do somethings  that you wished about doing and always thought you would have time to do? Really think about what would go through your mind if you could see how much life that you have left to live.

Next question is if you could see this and then talk to God what would you ask him? Would you ask him to add time, tell you what day you would die, how old if you can't tell be how much, is it possible for what I do with my life if it can change, or something else? If I could have seen my hourglass two years ago or even today I know what I would ask him to do. I would ask him if he could make my time skip a couple of years because then I would not have to deal with somethings that I would have to deal with know or in the future. Plus I then could get away from many people that I really don't even care to see or to talk to. If I could have done this I would be on my own in college living a better life. Yes, I would have missed some really neat things and would not have met some very cool people, but then I would not have a dark past as I do know because of what I have had to go through.

Having a Super Power

          Having a super power would be col to have just think how popular or how much people would notice you. I would say that I have a power, but for me I  dot get noticed at all. I have to power to be invisible. I love it because during this senior year I am tired of listen or dealing with all the stupid stuff that happens in high school.

     During this year I was talking to one of my many acquaintance at Yorktown and when we were talking she told me that she didn't even realize that I still went to Yorktown and said I was manly invisible this year. I was so happy with that. Then a couple weeks ago I was in my accounting class and my teacher makes a comment on bullying. Then as a joke he said to my 11 person class he had to talk to me about what I did(I really did nothing he was just seeing who was paying attention in class) then one student said "Who's Jason?" and I laughed mostly because I was 20 feet in front of him and no one way in-between us. Plus the other reason that I laughed was that the person that told me that I was "invisible" was true and just not to her.

          With that I am still being myself and i won't change I like being the one in the background not being notice because when that happens I feel like I am more of who I am. I know that, that's bad to say, but I found out being more invisible is better to be noticed. Becoming invisible you don't get put into certain situations. Knowing this I am been out of many fun parts of being a kid, but at the same time I know that I will benefit it in the future. This will better myself because I can stand in the back and see others make mistakes and I can learn for them. Plus being in a public school people make fun of you, but when you become invisible they will not and they will realize that if they do make fun of you, you don't care. This is my life and if you don't like it deal with it, but don't try to change it.

Being Awake, But Not Awaken

          For many people this is a beautiful thing to see in the morning when they are awake because it means a new day with a fresh start. For me when I awake all I see is the start of a day that seems to never end and then I go some where and then come back home late that evening and go home and sleep and it just repeats. It seems for me that nothing has changed and I am just here right now to do this and do that. I get so tired, but for what I see for myself I can not do nothing. I have to do something. I seem like I am a light in the dark and the wind is blowing, so hard that I am vanishing. I work myself until I have no more to give and then that's when I sleep which gives me only like two to three hours of sleep a night. Then I drink coffee and deal with new things, but in the same way they are old. So when I see this picture I just see something that brings more defeat to my life/ things to do in so little time to do in a day.

          With doing this I mostly have coffee or something with caffeine to get through the day(s). I feel like i burn the candle at both ends. I do this every day until I have a long weekend or a break. I recover from many days(any were from 20 up to 125) then I will only give myself life two to three to get recharged and then I am back up and doing this all over again. I feel that I am here on Earth to do much, and I don't like to think about what I am doing with myself. This gets tiring and stressful a lot, but once I have learned not be burnt out you know that a way to get through the day(s) is to drink something that is strong and give you this energy. Plus with being like this for me I am on the road so much I have learn to only eat a little amount of food. This is why I am so thine it is a lifestyle choice and I like doing to much and making other people happy and I cant gain to much weight because I have seen what I will become and I now how to live with little. Plus I think about why should I eat so much whenever I want to when kids in other countries don't get much to nothing and many die each year because they don't get enough food.

          With doing this I have been more exclusive to people and other things that I use to do because I don't like to think what I should be doing or if I could be doing something. The only bad side to this is that you get sometimes more irritable and with that comes anger/stress. Having this negative I turn it into a positive by bottling it up and then taking it out when I run or play soccer. This is one reason that I kick so hard and run so much/fast. But doing this it also keeps myself in shape. So most of the time I will seem really energize, but that's only because I get something that will give me that energy to stay awake. I am be awake and be moving around, but inside my body is asleep and has not awaken yet. Who knows when/if it will?

Which is The One to Choose........

     For many people the way that they pick which of the two paths to travel by, is based on influence. So will pick the one that all of their friends travel by, but some travel the path that few of us follow. The one that the few have traveled and it is God's pathway, the map is in a book; this book is called the bible. This helps us close the right decision, as well as bring us back before it’s too late and we have to start all over again. For the one that have traveled the path of their friends for years will soon well get let and the road will start to crumble, and then they well be let in the darkness. For them they are lucky because the ones that are traveling on the other path are close by and we can help them up and show the right way and give them their hope as well as a Map.
     For we are the ones that help the ones that have fallen they need our help, but for them we need to be a guard rail, so that they do not fall again. They are like a new born, the will need guidance and someone to watch over them, until they have fully grown. Some may always need some help, but we need to show that we trust them enough that they can do it on their own. After that all we can do is hope that what we gave them is enough information that they can survive. Plus we can only think that if they also need help that they can back to us, and we can help them once again.

     The road that we help on is also right above theirs, so that we can keep an eye on them. When they get tired of being down there and getting dragged down we are only an arms length away. We are the people that people don't really look at or wanting to talk to, until they need someone that they could lean on. This is our job to help people and get them off on a new foot and a new beginning. Then they could help someone change their ways and the next step.

Falling down, Bottled up, Masking the Truth, and Breaking down. This is my Life

When things go wrong I turn to hide the pain. I fall down and get back up again; I don't mess with the tears and scratches on the heart. It just gets bottled up and put away, so that no one knows what I have had to deal with. I have held things in for years and no one has ever notice, I have been through so much that if I would be real you would not know who I am. At that same time I would not know who I am anymore at that point.

When I am with people I am not the same, with some I am one person, and with some other I am someone new, I have lead this life so long I can change so fast that no one even knows what is going on. If the mask were real I don’t know where I would be able to place them all. This has become a part of me that at this point I really don't know who I really am anymore. Some say might say I am one thing and the next person could say something completely different. So in the past 5 years in my life I have gone through some many mask, I could probably start my own garbage dump. This was just away for me to keep things control from the outside world. I thought that no one could ever know what I have gone through because people always thought that I have such a perfect life. I can do anything, I know so much. Yes, I am known a lot, but with something’s that I know I wish I did not know. With some of this knowledge I have had to go through pain, the pain that I wish that none of my friends will every have to deal with.

Lately, I have been falling down more. I have been showing more of the small part of the real me that is breaking down all those mask and bottled feeling/thoughts. Since this past summer to this day I have broken down more then you can count on one hand. Dealing some of my friends to my family I have had so much pain that’s been bottled up, I have not had the power to keep it in control and it's just over flowed. Also since then I have been talking to someone new in my life that I met around 6 months ago and they have helped me deal with many of my problems. He has been their when no one has, I have texted him in the middle of the night, when I Have broken down and he always has the right thing to say to help me get on my feet. There is one person that I would like to thank and that person is God. He has lead me back, by showing me places and people that I would never have met if I did not trust him.
With the old life into my new I have seen who I really knew. I know wish I know now I knew back then, so that I would not have the scares on my soul, and be more around people that would help me up instead of tearing me down. I know now who the ones are that were trying to tear my life into pieces by attacking things I care about the most. Which some were able to, and I not even notice. With my life know the way it is I am living a life that I really don't care what those people think of me because after High School I will never see them again. Since then I have gotten told so many accomplishments and people wishing that they could be now like me. For me I am a soccer player, so many soccer players have nothing holding back and don't care on what they say, I am the opposite because how is that being a role model for the underclass men. I also have to make sure that I am not turning on the "wrong path", again. I need to show people what I believe in through me bold actions then what I ever feel like say.
I know these sounds like a life time of things, but it's not. I am only 18 and this is what I have had to deal with. For now on I just keep on looking up, and not looking back. If I need to will leave someone in the dust. I also have been saying to myself, "If someone does life the new me, they better deal with it or don't even bother with me, because this new person is here now and will stay."

Lastly, A bible verse to sum up what I have talked about is in 2Corinthians 5:17:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
 Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."