When things go wrong I turn to hide the pain. I fall down and get back up again; I don't mess with the tears and scratches on the heart. It just gets bottled up and put away, so that no one knows what I have had to deal with. I have held things in for years and no one has ever notice, I have been through so much that if I would be real you would not know who I am. At that same time I would not know who I am anymore at that point.
When I am with people I am not the same, with some I am one person, and with some other I am someone new, I have lead this life so long I can change so fast that no one even knows what is going on. If the mask were real I don’t know where I would be able to place them all. This has become a part of me that at this point I really don't know who I really am anymore. Some say might say I am one thing and the next person could say something completely different. So in the past 5 years in my life I have gone through some many mask, I could probably start my own garbage dump. This was just away for me to keep things control from the outside world. I thought that no one could ever know what I have gone through because people always thought that I have such a perfect life. I can do anything, I know so much. Yes, I am known a lot, but with something’s that I know I wish I did not know. With some of this knowledge I have had to go through pain, the pain that I wish that none of my friends will every have to deal with.
Lately, I have been falling down more. I have been showing more of the small part of the real me that is breaking down all those mask and bottled feeling/thoughts. Since this past summer to this day I have broken down more then you can count on one hand. Dealing some of my friends to my family I have had so much pain that’s been bottled up, I have not had the power to keep it in control and it's just over flowed. Also since then I have been talking to someone new in my life that I met around 6 months ago and they have helped me deal with many of my problems. He has been their when no one has, I have texted him in the middle of the night, when I Have broken down and he always has the right thing to say to help me get on my feet. There is one person that I would like to thank and that person is God. He has lead me back, by showing me places and people that I would never have met if I did not trust him.
With the old life into my new I have seen who I really knew. I know wish I know now I knew back then, so that I would not have the scares on my soul, and be more around people that would help me up instead of tearing me down. I know now who the ones are that were trying to tear my life into pieces by attacking things I care about the most. Which some were able to, and I not even notice. With my life know the way it is I am living a life that I really don't care what those people think of me because after High School I will never see them again. Since then I have gotten told so many accomplishments and people wishing that they could be now like me. For me I am a soccer player, so many soccer players have nothing holding back and don't care on what they say, I am the opposite because how is that being a role model for the underclass men. I also have to make sure that I am not turning on the "wrong path", again. I need to show people what I believe in through me bold actions then what I ever feel like say.
I know these sounds like a life time of things, but it's not. I am only 18 and this is what I have had to deal with. For now on I just keep on looking up, and not looking back. If I need to will leave someone in the dust. I also have been saying to myself, "If someone does life the new me, they better deal with it or don't even bother with me, because this new person is here now and will stay."
Lastly, A bible verse to sum up what I have talked about is in 2Corinthians 5:17:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
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